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Saturday, November 29th, 2008
1:52 am
It's been 1 month exactly since my grandmother passed away.
It was a shitty night. I'm so thankful I could smile despite the pain "martini" has caused me. I want to scream. I miss her so much I just wanted to tell her how much I loved her, right there in front of all those people, I think she hates me. I hate the whole situation. I have to keep reminding myself that it was supposed to happen like this...but I am so uncertain...do i proceed to try and contact her. I feel like i owe it to myself.....no, i feel like im selfish and miss her so god dam much. and that I'm probally in some sort of dream world where i want us to talk to each other again.
what the fuck ever i have to work at 8 and im fucking tired/ i hope things work themselves out. i'm to god dam tired to try anymore!!

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Friday, October 24th, 2008
7:46 am
oh my fucking god i want to fucking scream. this is too much, this is terrible. i cant do a god dam thing to fix this. life has to run it's course. i cant even blurt out what i want or feel like i need to say. its like you cant justify saying anything for a dying person...like breathe. consentrating on breathing. i just cant know the pain shes in, i want to take it away for her. i want to tell my grandma she is so strong. i want to tell her we will be okay without her she has done such a wonderful job raising us, teaching us for me some of the most valuable lessons i have learnt in my life. I'm so tired.

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Tuesday, September 9th, 2008
1:18 am - changes
what the fuck is going on man. where do i go from here. im so lost.
sad things happening and im supposed to carry on!!...thats life. I dont know how liz does it. she just feels like she should be dead already. there's a reason she's her. I dont blame her for feeling like that. its so hard to keep the faith. i can only do so much. i wish i could give my family food in the cupboard all the time. let alone pay their heat bill, we always seem to manage just fine. rough times.
I wish i could sleep already pass this hard time away of waiting to move. its so stressful. i can't function. i need a drink. i need out of here and yet im so scared to move ahead. its so much easier to stay here together happy. .."happy'
I want to run away to a happy place without all of these life rules. i just want to love him forever.
he's the one i want to want. sigh, ill get through this. somehow.

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Saturday, September 6th, 2008
12:18 am
UH god i hate transition times in life. They piss me off!
I just feel like drinking! haha I 'never' do that.
I miss my favorite people in life. I wish I could write and write and write, so much other bull is blocking me from it. I wish I could find a creative outlet.
pfft. I like the song 'Sanctuary' from Kindom Hearts its so peaceful and wonderful.
It takes me away from reality calms soul.
I'm so tired. and excited and scared to continue my journey called life!
at a crossroads and don't know which way to turn. It hurts either way. All i can do is follow my heart.

current mood: sad

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Saturday, December 1st, 2007
1:46 pm
I'm so tired.
Tired of wishing for him to be well. It will never happen not the way I need him in this life. I thought i got over it as soon as he drops into my life I feel the same as I always did. This time I am smarter. Yeah, not smart enough to just let it go. I hate that he thinks he can beg for my attention and then turn away and laugh in my face as soon as he gets it. He can't have it anymore.

I feel like I'm doing much better and getting on with shit....it's about fucking time! The last few days have been pretty good. Or weeks. maybe! I guess. So much weird stuff is happening in my relationship I want to believe that everything is great..but according to all of society things like sleeping on the couch are bad!!...but isn't it just space apart. I had the best sleep ever waking up and knowing he was outside was alright. I don't know. I'm tired and annoyed at people.
I get to see Avril and spice girls in the same day I'm pretty excited! the best part is that I get to take all my cousins.

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Wednesday, August 15th, 2007
9:03 pm
I love him I love him I love him! or should I say He loves me..love is just so crazy one minute you could be leaving it another your falling even deeper into it. Back to my current everyday dreary negative thoughts. Traumatic life changing events plague my mind I want to be free again I want to be his little girl again I want to be best friends with her again. To just rewind the tape to stay trapped in a world of denial that these things would eventually happen in my life. I question if I would rather stay in the past just to avoid these feelings of anguish, loneliness, abandonment, betrayal. All of this rage built up inside with nowhere to go. Being so careful not to displace my anger that has become something I've never experienced and has never being so unhealthy in just how I express it.
trying so desperately to curve my habits of eating to fill up the emptiness that never began with food!
more guilt, more yearning just to eat. Eat what?/ anything I guess. I'm trying to get back to a more positive level of self-esteem and feel healthy again. Now I'm not entirely obese or anything like that but extremely uncomfortable. and that just makes me feel sad in turn I just wanna eat stuff!....and then at the same time I feel so revolted by food. As if I'm trying to make myself think that if I eat it, it will just make me feel ill and that I don't need it. I'm trying not to make these thoughts anything more than I need to exercise and eat healthier, I fear I will talk myself into some unhealthy eating disorder that shouldn't be. I am aware how to achieve a healthy lifestyle it's actually keeping my motivation to do it is my downfall. Gee. I need more counseling I feel so stuck and wrapped up in a whole lot of anxiety and confusion and all of the above. I just want to forgive and heal. and be able to fully concentrate on my dreams.

current mood: listless

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Monday, July 16th, 2007
10:58 pm
I cant believe I'm 'here'....here/ where is here. what the hell is going on. I'm stuck on a merry go round. people watching my every move as I uncontrollably ball my eyes out and sitting there somehow soaking in the possibility of the end of a relationship that is just getting started in my eyes. I'm playing the what if game. If I only loved him more. If I didn't leave like that today. I didn't mean to go. I love you I love you. Without your presence I am lost. I need you in my life. How can I try harder. I never want to hear the words I'm breaking up with you. I'm not ready. I'm the one who says goodbye. how could I even almost lose you. I could I be that person who you don't want to be around. I love you I love please don't go I'll try harder.

I'm so confused and didn't think he would say it. I know he is so serious. It breaks my heart, that feeling I loathe so much. The feeling I am always running from.


happy birthday to me!...the birthday blues came over me yesterday. I always have this expectation of wanting good company that day I only ever want a night out in town to go to some happy place with lots of mood. I grieve for the friends that are gone now.
he gave me a ring.
I miss him so selfishly, even though he is only in the other room.

current mood: numb

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Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
11:09 pm
I'm so fucking sick of my "roommate" INCONSIDERATE> and I'm caught between a rock and another rock. Why cant everyone just fucking do there part, even at least sometimes....even if they didnt and did something else....or gave credit or fucking something I'm ready to fucking smash in his door. Boi I have a cad temper. He's a real jerk. I'm not even asking for clean I'm asking for sanitary. *SCREAMS PULLS HAIR OUT STOMP UP AND DOWN THROW STUFF** and still don't feel better angry!

I've been working the cafe and starbucks. I'm confused if it's that I'm if hyped up on caffine or just exhausted.
WHY? I dont really know why yet...why am I working both jobs at once. What do I want! Ugh. wish I was finished school/ wish I lived without roommates. There good in some ways and then just not what I'm waiting for. I'm sick of bullshit and living with tons of people. I WANT MY OWN SPACE.
8sigh.. rant rant. I give up, sleepy time.

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Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
10:31 pm
*sigh of relief and accomplishment! I finally got Starbucks back..and oh how I fought for it. It's quite unfortunate that both other mngrs I dealt with to brgin with were chaotic, frantic, always hard to get ahold of JERKS!..I am very pleased with this store I only started today!...I've never pushed for a job like this. I'm proud that I got it I earned this. It's not often or ever that you find a company you feel proud to work for. There are so many positives that come with wroking for them despite the overpriced drinks but hey....I get a discount!!
As for the current job at the cafe Everyone is leaving which leaves me torn...see they really need me there...I dont like the atmosphere and ten more things about the place then again one of the people leaving is half my issue!...if the new one is nice it may work out of course around 'my starbucks' (I must just be really excited!)
I'll keep vending ice cream at events and concerts with Andrew hey to top it off I get to see free shows!!...Bjork/The Arcade Fire, the virgin fest was Aswome and Rise Against rocked and I'll pick up the chicken BBQ picnics again...the political picnic we did last year at the Senators estate was a hit quoteded we are the only catorers permitted on his property!! Woowoo. I met Steven Harper at that one despite my views on his choices it looks pretty decent on my resumee!! Well work seems to be picking up.
work is making me so tired...but it's worth it/ Thailand is where I want to be!
and...Im so sick of video games.

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Monday, May 7th, 2007
12:01 am - I can I will
It's been awhile I never have time to check in ad write about whats going on.

Lately I've just been getting the feel of living on my own, it's a great feeling..no one knocking on your door all the time, not that I don't miss my little cousins. Their practically my kids! I love them so.

I feel as though I am retraining myself to do so many things. When you go through such traumatic experiences it's so difficult to get back up and get back in the grind into the way of the world. There are so many pressures, I must start by making new friends. The group that was there is gone and buried. Most of the people I knew are gone now. And then I am left with me and how I need to reassure myself I can get back up and do these things. Sometimes I just don't feel worthy enough and that I have nothing important or positive enough to talk about and if I did start talking to someone they would get turned off right away/ All I have right now to talk about whats happened and when it comes to getting deep and becoming friends with someone that's me I cant pretend. It seems so far away and that I'll be judged by my past choices. I suppose I just don't have to tell them but I want someone to relate to, that is very hard to come by these days. Everyone is out for there own benefit. Those I knew to be trusted have depleted my confidence.
You know I will get back up and do everything I need to do.
if fact making starbucks gave me confidence, it was like the first step back into the world. "The Normal world"
knowing that I can get in there lets me know I can get back to succeeding. This year has been an extremely self -aware learning and growing process of lots of healing and I still have along way. I am getting back to a place I once was in. Happiness. No one can take it away. I'm working to hard to earn it. I deserve it.
signing off. Work is early. play time will never be enough!!

current mood: thoughtful

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Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
7:47 pm
HAh./.I live out in the big world with my love together! it's great...I answer to me. I take responsibilty for my shit! No more rules! *shrugs it wasnt that bad. It was just time to go and cheap rent all included cant go wrong!

I miss 'my cherry' ..it's a random thought and it reminded me of livejournal..I just thought I'd randomly state that. Anyway....I suppose I will go bug Andrew to let me play Kindom hearts!

I love my new baby cousin..
I love bus passes they equal freedom!!

ewww rice is boring but its cheap
. . .huh....well no video games for me yet!

oh my YUM the sushi bubble tea place near my house is just mouth sex.
*squeals SO GOOOOOD best I'v ever had!

current mood: hopeful

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Sunday, September 17th, 2006
6:37 pm
well, I havn't had any intrest to say anything in my journal for along time. Alot of life changing events have happend in the last few months.
grad was wonderful I'm glad I went.
Just trying to get back on my feet. I couldn't ask for better company <3 I am fulfilled, despite all of the hardships and sad things I'm dealing with in life.
I wont go into detail but my cell phone has been disconnected if you need to reach me email me or call me at home:604-942-4482. During the week I work until 4 at the creekside cafe.
I'm leaving for England the 29th of this month..until October 14th.

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Monday, February 27th, 2006
12:26 am
Things are going well.
on my own two feet.
planning for my travels.
making new friends.
being around positive people make a great difference in what goals you have, and always looking to achieve more..whatever it may be.
the crowd that I would have greatly benifeted from, during my high school years!
working my tail off. Embracing all my experiences as they come. No more expectations of people I thought I knew, I thought I trusted. Appreciating relationships the way they are. Enjoying my own company.
Work is making things alot easier for me. I don't have enough time to wallow in any sort of misery!!
No emo kids here!
just happy go lucky days.

I miss a girl I once knew.
my only sunshine.
The least you could do, is give me a reason why you've decided to just end our friendship?
..I will respect your wishes (of not talking) after that.

current mood: somber

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Thursday, February 16th, 2006
7:03 pm
"What's Minnie without Mickey?
What's Tigger without Pooh?
What's Patrick without Spongebob?
And what's Me without You?"

teehee.

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Sunday, February 5th, 2006
8:14 am
fucking lj wont let me post!....it's been like three weeks..or more. is anyone else having trouble staying signed in?? ..I can't click any links without it asking for my password?/ WTF.

current mood: grumpy

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Thursday, January 19th, 2006
9:06 pm - Challenge me if this is worng
If you dress SEXY, he says you're a SLUT
If you DONT, he says you're a NERD
If you ARGUE with him, he says you're STUBBORN
If you're QUIET, he says you're STUPID
If you're LOUD, he says you're OBNOXIOUS
If you CALL him, he says you're NEEDY and CLINGY
If he CALLS you, he says you "should be GRATEFUL"
If you don't LOVE him, he'll try to win YOU
If you LOVE him, he'll LEAVE you
If you don't SCREW him, he'll say you don't LOVE him
If you DO, he'll say you're EASY
If you tell him your PROBLEMS, he'll say you're IRRITATING
If you DON'T, he'll say you don't TRUST him
If you LECTURE him, he'll say you're B*ITCHY
If he lectures YOU, it's because he 'CARES for you'
If you break a PROMISE, you can't be TRUSTED
If HE breaks it, he HAD to
If you CHEAT on him, he expects it to be OVER
If HE cheats, he expects to be given another CHANCE.
-Author Unknown

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Monday, January 16th, 2006
7:44 am
lllllll

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Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
11:30 am - Why it's so god dam hard to trust boys
but he said..

"All i needed was a boost of self esteem and get my life back on track... I did that... so you can now go fuck yourself... you're no longer needed... simple as that... I don't want to hear from you again... I'm going to go on with my life... maybe you should too"


I gave it everything I had.
I guess I had to learn the hard way, not to trust.

current mood: contemplative

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Thursday, December 29th, 2005
12:50 am - why me!?
A general question, what the fuck am I doing wrong?
how is it that I seem to be losing all my friends at once?
I keep asking people close to me what is it about me, that bothers them, they say there isn't anything that I do or say that offends them so what am I doing thats so horrible to my friends that they wont even talk to me?
*scratching my head*

I try to be good to the people I care about around me everyday, I'm so honest..it's pathetic. I wear my heart on my sleeve and YOU walk all over it. What more do you want. I really don't get why none of you will call. If I knew what I was doing so wrong, I would fess up I would take full responsibility for my faults.

the spitful side of me says fuck you don't need them.
I'm having a hard time letting so many people go at once
once I do let go, you'll become another walking dead person to me.
I'll have more strength, I'll be more carful, it will take a long time for me to trust anyone/
I feel let down. What happened to being there for eachother?
I'm extremely lost in what I want to do with my life right now.

Each day it will get easier to forget about the people that (cared) about me so much.

current mood: confused

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Thursday, December 15th, 2005
10:56 pm - I cry
crazy shit, hits the fan. This is REAL life kids.
there is a meth house or dealer on every other block.
this is a battle almost impossible to beat.
our youth are far from educated when it comes to this shit
this shit, a drug that turns the kindest person into a killer
Try it, but then say goodbye to anything beautful and worth livig for on this earth.
you'll be in hell. Worse then death.

Read more...Collapse )

EDIT: I wonder why none of you have anything to say about such a matter as important as this?

current mood: insane

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