LeahBean. (darq_one) wrote,

I can I will

It's been awhile I never have time to check in ad write about whats going on.

Lately I've just been getting the feel of living on my own, it's a great feeling..no one knocking on your door all the time, not that I don't miss my little cousins. Their practically my kids! I love them so.

I feel as though I am retraining myself to do so many things. When you go through such traumatic experiences it's so difficult to get back up and get back in the grind into the way of the world. There are so many pressures, I must start by making new friends. The group that was there is gone and buried. Most of the people I knew are gone now. And then I am left with me and how I need to reassure myself I can get back up and do these things. Sometimes I just don't feel worthy enough and that I have nothing important or positive enough to talk about and if I did start talking to someone they would get turned off right away/ All I have right now to talk about whats happened and when it comes to getting deep and becoming friends with someone that's me I cant pretend. It seems so far away and that I'll be judged by my past choices. I suppose I just don't have to tell them but I want someone to relate to, that is very hard to come by these days. Everyone is out for there own benefit. Those I knew to be trusted have depleted my confidence.
You know I will get back up and do everything I need to do.
if fact making starbucks gave me confidence, it was like the first step back into the world. "The Normal world"
knowing that I can get in there lets me know I can get back to succeeding. This year has been an extremely self -aware learning and growing process of lots of healing and I still have along way. I am getting back to a place I once was in. Happiness. No one can take it away. I'm working to hard to earn it. I deserve it.
signing off. Work is early. play time will never be enough!!
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